


This is How I Leave You

by Africana123



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellarke is implied - Freeform, F/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 21:20:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20216443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Africana123/pseuds/Africana123
Summary: Clarke decides to take her life after the events of season 6. Right as she's getting ready to do so, Jordan finds her. But it's not what you think.





	This is How I Leave You

**Author's Note:**

> This follows cannon until right before Octavia, Bellamy, Echo, and Gabriel leave for the cave. That doesn't happen. Instead everyone focuses on rebuilding and living. This is probably a one shot. Leave comments to tell me what you think.

Do you ever wake up and just regret it? That's how Clarke had been feeling these last few weeks. Maybe that's what brought her here, sitting just inside the radiation shield as an eclipse approached. She could hear the warning sirens playing all around her and she just wanted them to _stop_. They sounded too much like the siren that played at the end of her time in the valley. 

She missed the valley. She missed home. She missed the feeling of belonging. 

She knew that she should be happy that that period of her life was over. But really, why should she? Yes, the isolation was brutal. In all honesty, she still hadn't truly covered from it and probably never would. Yes, the valley was full of dangerous animals driven half-mad from the radiation. But she had faced much worse threats than some insane animals. Yes, she missed her family. But having them back didn't fix this endless blackhole that resided in her chest. She didn't think anything really could.

The problem was that none of those things really mattered to Clarke. Since she was 17 years old she had been so focused on surviving till tomorrow that she never took a second to think about what she was surviving for. Throughout all the wars and all the trauma and all the loss, she kept repeating "tomorrow, tomorrow it'll be better" like some inane remix of that old Earth musical _Annie_. But now that the primes were dead and humanity had decided to get their collective shit together, today had suddenly become tomorrow. And Clarke, well, Clarke _hated_ tomorrow. 

She hated how all that was left to do now was rest and regroup and rebuild. There wasn't even a distant threat in the horizon for her to worry about or prepare for. All that was left was her and this empty blackhole that she carried around with her since before she could remember. She used to think the ground would be big enough to fill that void in her. And then she thought maybe Finn, maybe Lexa, maybe Bellamy, maybe Madi would be enough for her to feel better. And they helped. Don't get her wrong, they definitely helped. But they didn't fix her. 

She was starting to think nothing could. 

All that to say, here she was waiting for death or Bellamy or something to make her feel anything. 

She was tired of feeling empty. Of feeling like she had lost something she'd never get back. 

She'd tried to bring this up to Bellamy before, but he just looked at her with all this concern like he always did, like she was a problem he needed to worry about. And Clarke was many things, but she was not a problem. She refused to be _that_.

She missed her mom. And her dad. And Wells. And watching soccer from the couch in her old apartment. And the taste of recycled air. And she missed watching the Earth thinking it'd be better down there. She missed the possibility of better. She missed a lot of things. 

Recently, she had been thinking a lot about Jasper. Something she'd never do before tomorrow came. Maybe it was a side effect of Josephine. Maybe opening all those doors in her mind palace meant they stayed open after she left. Whatever the reason "tomorrow" had been replaced with "maybe Jasper was right". And that was a terrifying thought. 

Clarke reached for the moonshine she had brought with her in case her nerves failed her. She was sitting on an old blanket watching the sky turn a crimson red like the blood she used to bleed. Huh, guess that's another thing she lost over the years. She had to look hard for some moonshine before coming here. It seemed Sanctum was spoiled when it came to alcohol, but she wanted something that'd remind her of who she used to be back before. 

"Don't you hear the sirens?" a voice called from behind her. 

She whipped around and there Jordan was, lazily walking towards her. 

She tensed, unsure of what to do. She wouldn't go back inside. She didn't want to have to wait again for god knows how long for another eclipse to come around. 

"What are you doing here?" she asked. 

Jorden lifted a hand to reveal a blanket and a small bag. "Same thing you are, I'm guessing." 

Clarke's heart clenched. She didn't want him to die. He was all that was left of Monty and Harper. 

"You should go back inside," she implored. 

Jordan just laughed and unrolled his blanket next to her's. "Why? I hear the eclipses are beautiful this time of year." 

She didn't know what to say to that so after a minute she just turned back to look out towards the forest. She offered him the bottle of moonshine wordlessly. 

Jordan coughed as he took a swing, another reminder that he was too young to die. 

"I'm not a God, you know," she said suddenly. 

Jordan raised an eyebrow. "I didn't think you were." 

Clarke shook her head. "I mean it! I can't do the impossible, Jordan. I can't preform miracles. I can't _save_ anyone. I can't save you." 

Jordan smiled bitterly. "I've already been saved, Clarke. It sucked." 

Clarke stared at him and nodded. Maybe both their fights were over. 

They sat in silence listening as the bugs went crazy on the other side of the wall. It wouldn't be long now. 

"Why are you doing this?" Jordan asked. 

"I could say the same to you." 

"That's easy," Jordan scoffed, "My parents lied to me. They said it'd be better on the ground. They were wrong." 

Clarke laughed, "My parents told me the exact same lie, kid." 

Jordan turned to her, "Is that why you're doing this? Disappointment? My parent's said you were stronger than that." 

"It seems your parents told you two lies then." 

Jordan didn't say anything. 

The toxin was starting to take effect. Clarke's vision was becoming a little hazy so she quickly reached into the bag she had brought and pulled out her smuggled gun. She wished it was her rifle. She'd have carved her name into the handle along with all the other lives she had taken. Maybe that could of been her suicide note. 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jordan doing the same with a knife. 

Her hands were starting to shake and she knew she should just do it before she lost her mind completely but she just wanted a few more seconds of reflection. Of asking the dead for forgiveness before she joined them. 

"I'm just tired, I guess," she admitted to Jordan. What was the harm? He was joining her soon enough anyway. 

There was a long, comfortable pause then "I understand that." 

Jordan was beginning to shake as well and Clarke briefly thought about how they didn't know how the Red Sun's toxin affected him. Maybe she'd get lucky. Maybe he'd be the murderous type and end her miserable life for her. 

"I'm gonna miss the sounds of wildlife," he told her, bringing the knife out from its sheath, "What're you going to miss?" 

"Madi," Clarke immediately answered. She'd miss her more than life itself. Literally. 

"That doesn't count. That's an obvious. I meant what _selfish_ thing are you going to miss," Jordan clarified. 

Clarke brought the gun to her temple like she had all those years ago in the desert, her finger playing with the trigger. She hesitated for a moment as she thought of Jordan's question. She thought of the glowing butterflies and the rivers and the feeling of sun warming her skin after a long day. She thought of all the people she loved and all the people who were now gone. She thought of the chill of winter and the warmth of summer and the relief of spring finally breaking. She thought of her mom and her dad and Jasper and Lexa. And she knew. 

With her finger flexing on the trigger she answered. 

"Bellamy. I'll miss Bellamy."


End file.
